Escape

Sometimes, I think love is my escape to the troubles that I have. I feel guilty. I go to my boyfriend to  forget or delay my problems, just like I read mangas, read novels and follow series... It's just that there are moments when I feel like everything I do in life has been a mistake, and I regret a lot of things and my self-confidence takes a total hit every time something bad happens because it feels like it's my fault. I have no motivation, no self-discipline, poor and fat. And yet, I'm smart but can't figure out my life half the time. I want to be a doctor and yet here I am, 1 subject delayed. I can't find the passion I need. The only motivation I have is preparing for my wedding which I really hope happens next year. I've got enough delays already.

I really want to just travel alone and write - even just for once. I want to do it. I wanna let go of my medical career and do a hobby garden. T_T

I will be a doctor! I will speed up the medical services in the provinces! - or so I thought. But right now my mind is filled with house repairs and growing tomatoes.

I feel that once I've found my passion, I would just get on and live it, the thing is, I haven't changed. I'm still as capricious as ever. Always wanting to be the hero, but still a spoiled brat. Being so dependent on others and still can't figure out her life, even at 27 years old. I wanna travel alone for a while and see how I've changed, see where I want to be. Just get away to know what I want in life. I just wanna go somewhere.

We can find joy in the storm

We found a way to find joy in the storm because of God.

God is here and now. He is also tomorrow. He is there in my joy and my sorrow. Most of the time, he sends his reminders through real life experiences. My miracle seed from my short trip to Boracay was Kerri's laugh.

The waves were big and strong, they punched at the shores. They kicked you from a standing position. Yet, we were there. Walking beside the sea and on a sudden impulse Kerri and Kim decided to run while laughing. Andrew picked up his slippers and followed. He was a bit far off when I too picked up mine and ran. We were screaming and laughing, the rain pelted heavily.

We left our things over a chair and ran at the waves like they had their arms opened wide just waiting for us. We ran like we were about to meet family members coming home from a long trip abroad. We ran like love waited for us on the other end, hugging us back, so strong.

And like a father who swings his child as they ran to greet him, we were pushed up into the air, we were jumping with the waves, we were playing tag, we were laughing in the storm. And as I was there enjoying it all, I turned in time to see Kerri's laugh.

The waves were dragging her back to the shore and she was pushing against it. She was looking at the sky throwing huge buckets of rain and her, and she was laughing and smiling. Her face radiated with joy and at that moment it just hit me.

We can find joy in the storm.

8/28/2016

Alzheimers

If I were to live towards the end of my life forgetting you, what worth is this heart that keeps on beating?

If I were to sleep and wake next to you everyday, yet slowly see you fade away, when does it stop?

And if I were to open my eyes, yet my limbs have stopped moving, the ceiling remains a ceiling, but my mind does not, am I still part of the living?

Reminisce

It was so long ago, I can just barely remember. Kids laughing and playing in a small play house made of straw. It was a small Nipa hut that our uncle made to be used for props in his store. It was sturdy and perfect for playtime. Our favorite game was hide-and-seek and we played it with so much dedication, our whole afternoon was spent looking for our cousins above the trees and under old stockpiled items in the yard. The 1 hectar family compound was a treasure indeed.

Where are you?

you're deep, sometimes too deep
you swim in the ocean
your thoughts so many fathoms beneath
you look at the clouds
and I can tell
your soul must be flying with the birds as well
When do you land on the ground
When you stay in the "Now"
Maybe never, Maybe never

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pandora

My soul was not the only one on that boat... It was mine and yours. The waves were not only my emotions but yours crashed into mine as well. Yes, i can write of my emotions, open my pandora's box and let it all out. It doesn't always have to be about me but right now all I want to think about is me. Stagnating here, I want to go out and explore the boundaries if my limits and check if the me that I knew before was still there. You broke my heart and my pride and now I ponder if I can be whole again. Like the lyrics of a song, I'm just left with broken pieces and I know I'll be the only one to do the fixing and no one else.

(An old post that I forgot to post, this was probably from last year)