I'm going to be a doctor. That's my dream. And yet, I had not that big of faith believing that it would come true. We have no money. I'm not the best in class. I've got issues. And yet, I can't let it go. Though, if I am honest, my greatest fear in attending med school would be going hungry. I don't know why but I noticed I've been going to schools that challenge our financial capacity since elementary (except when I had to go to public school). We're not rich. I don't even know if its adequate to call us middle class. And yet, if I try to look at our situation from another person's point of view, there is quite a contradiction between our choice of schools and our annual income.
When I was in elementary and in an International School. My classmates ate foods rich in preservatives from their expensive looking lunch boxes. Mine contained whatever was my breakfast (since I often missed breakfast coz I wake up late) which could be anything but what they had. My classmates compared their new things while I scare the principal by climbing the nearest tree. My summers were spent with my cousins in the nearby beach in our southern province, they come back to school talking about going to Disneyland and skiing in the alps (I assure you this is not an exaggeration). In short, I seem to be walking in a world where I didn't fit and at that time, I didn't understand that there was this gap between those who had three choices of food per meal per day and those who only had 1 kind of food per 3 meals per day. However, we were all equal back in elementary though I was the girl who could ignored the girls' new ribbons and played with the boys. I didn't understand social systems but, seeing their lunch boxes and mine, I understood hunger.
Ironically, I felt the difference when I transferred to a public school. They called me a snob and stuck up coz I didn't get their games and I didn't understand most of everything back then. I felt lost. But I discovered a plethora of unknown foods of different sizes and colors. (Ofcourse, I didn't know they were supposed to be unclean etc...). I don't usually get monetary allowance before so I couldn't buy them at all. I understood poverty.
In high school, I went to a private school again but it wasn't that hard. It was a fun mixture. I found my voice. I gave opinions. I liked arguing and proving statements. I found my best friends. I had fun. I still missed a lot of breakfasts but I could eat at school. I found love. I was happy. I still missed meals. They accused me of dieting. I silently replied, as if I had a choice.
In college, I went to one of those expensive schools where my sched was 7:30AM to 7:30PM. My allowance was a hundred bucks, proper food cost 50 bucks and fare could reach from 30 back and forth. Not to mention photocopies and other extra stuff...
Well, you get the scenario of my life. But now, I've got a job that's quite adequate even if its not perfect. I'm not working as a nurse but I work hand in hand with doctors. Training them with our company's software. I'm not bad either, so they say. There's a prospective raise in the late horizon. I've got office mates I've learned to love. I can live on my salary and buy food whenever I want. (I have recently been told I am gaining weight by our Operations Manager, nonetheless). I'm in a comfort zone.
Originally, I was planning to take on med school issues next year when I've saved some money for daily expenses and get a scholarship. But on a twist of fate, my Aunt encouraged me to apply for a med school here. It's a med school where everybody (who wants to be a doctor) wants to go yet it isn't that easy to get in. And it only accepts about 150 - 200 students per year. Yet, here I am, lucky to have a very important person in the institution encouraging me to apply for the school. That means I have a high chance of getting in (with a scholarship to boot).
At first, I was overjoyed with the prospect and rushed to get all my papers ready and everything seemed to be available at home except the reference letters which I could get through my professors. But as I waited for my papers, reality set in. I've got no savings. I can't just up the company and leave. I'm not prepared. And we're facing (as always) some financial issues. I know my salary doesn't contribute much to the family. I buy groceries, give my siblings money for some requirement or the other, I can even buy something I want knowing I'm using my own money.
I feel like I'm this one step on the right road yet I can't leave the passengers on my car. (Assuming of course that I could get into med school with a scholarship). As the deadline comes in two days, I am still in ambivalence.
Will I be trading my bread for my dream?
